June 15 can't some soon enough.....seriously. This pregnancy has been far more excruciating than my 2 previous ones. Physically, emotionally.....you name it! It's been worse! lol. Poor Ben! This week has been very rough physically. I was laying down after I got home from work the other night and just burst into tears for no reason. Ben came upstairs, noticed my watery eyes, and asked what was wrong. I honestly didn't know......darn hormones! lol. On the plus side, my doc's visits are going well and everything appears to be ok, so I honestly shouldn't complain!
The ever present "first wife".......that issue is still present, but only rears its ugly head when something comes up. Mostly, it's the girls talking about her and part of me wants to scream "I don't care!" while the other part of me understands that was their Mom and it's somewhat natural for them to mention her....just not maybe every single day! They can still be a tad bit suffocating at times too. Especially these days, I'm tired and cranky when I get home from work and I need that quiet down time to relax before I get bombarded. They don't get that. All hell breaks loose if Ben leaves to go anywhere. It's like their opportunity to have my full attention or say things they wouldn't say in front of their dad, etc. Half the time, I go in my room and shut the door to keep my sanity! lol.
I think I've hit the bigger highlights! Hope you all are doing well!!! xoxo
Friday, April 30, 2010
Monday, April 19, 2010
Hola Friends!
Sorry it's been so long......I don't know why posting on here seems like such a daunting task sometimes.....Anywho, I could just say "same crap, different day" and be done with this post, but that's not very entertaining for you, is it? Here goes....
Still having some "competition" issues, but they mostly come and go. If something about her comes up, the feeling is much stronger than when things are just "normal." I've talked to my counselor about it and we're working on it. All of my issues boil down to a fear of rejection. My psycho doc hit the nail on the head when he said that all of these feelings I have are so strong b/c the love I have for Ben is very different from the love I had for Brian. The deeper I fall for Ben the greater my fear becomes of "losing him." I mean that in many different ways.....regardless, my counselor is definitely tapping into some issues, which I guess is what I pay him for anyway, right? lol.
8 weeks from tomorrow will be Aiden's arrival! I know it will fly, but I'm ready! Granted, there's a lot we don't have, etc, but I'm not freaking out. lol. A friend of mine is throwing me a small shower, so hopefully that can fill in the gaps of what we don't have. Sucks that I gave everything I had away, but then again, I wasn't expecting to have another baby!!!!!
So, I had to have "the talk" with the twins a couple of weeks ago. They'll be 11 next month and Britney had started her period. Oh, boy! What a jumpstart into being the mom of preteen! lol. I wasn't ready for this AT ALL. The poor girls knew NOTHING and I mean.....NOTHING! I warned Ben ahead of time that the sex talk might end up in there and was he ok with that. He was fine with it b/c he didnt' have to do it! lol. So, what a night that was! LOL. I tried to stick to the basics. At least I have good practice now for when Abby gets older! Between the twins and then doing the talk again when Taylor's ready, I'll be a pro by then! ha!
Other than that, I don't think you've missed much. Still very much in love and very happy! :) We've had our "disagreements" with lots of tears from me (gotta love hormones!) but we work it out and move on! Love you all!
Still having some "competition" issues, but they mostly come and go. If something about her comes up, the feeling is much stronger than when things are just "normal." I've talked to my counselor about it and we're working on it. All of my issues boil down to a fear of rejection. My psycho doc hit the nail on the head when he said that all of these feelings I have are so strong b/c the love I have for Ben is very different from the love I had for Brian. The deeper I fall for Ben the greater my fear becomes of "losing him." I mean that in many different ways.....regardless, my counselor is definitely tapping into some issues, which I guess is what I pay him for anyway, right? lol.
8 weeks from tomorrow will be Aiden's arrival! I know it will fly, but I'm ready! Granted, there's a lot we don't have, etc, but I'm not freaking out. lol. A friend of mine is throwing me a small shower, so hopefully that can fill in the gaps of what we don't have. Sucks that I gave everything I had away, but then again, I wasn't expecting to have another baby!!!!!
So, I had to have "the talk" with the twins a couple of weeks ago. They'll be 11 next month and Britney had started her period. Oh, boy! What a jumpstart into being the mom of preteen! lol. I wasn't ready for this AT ALL. The poor girls knew NOTHING and I mean.....NOTHING! I warned Ben ahead of time that the sex talk might end up in there and was he ok with that. He was fine with it b/c he didnt' have to do it! lol. So, what a night that was! LOL. I tried to stick to the basics. At least I have good practice now for when Abby gets older! Between the twins and then doing the talk again when Taylor's ready, I'll be a pro by then! ha!
Other than that, I don't think you've missed much. Still very much in love and very happy! :) We've had our "disagreements" with lots of tears from me (gotta love hormones!) but we work it out and move on! Love you all!
Monday, March 29, 2010
Have you ever felt like you had to compete with someone? What about a dead person? No? Well, that's good b/c it's not fun! I chalk a lot of this up to hormones associated with pregnancy b/c we all know you're not in your correct frame of mind while pregnant! So, needless to say, Ben's first wife is who I feel like I compete with. (Big surprise!) I will start out by saying that in all actuality, Ben does nothing to cause this. It's mostly others and me just being nuts! He has 3 little girls that all remember their Mom very well, while I have 1 child that remembers (and rarely mentions him anymore) and another that has no clue who his Dad was and as far as he's concerned, Ben is his Dad. Our situation is also very unique b/c we didn't divorce our first spouses.....they were taken from us. So, it's not like we chose to leave them. I've been having issues lately of wondering if he misses her....wants me to be more like her....etc. Then there are the constant reminders....one of the girls brings her up or his sister-in-law brings her up to him, etc. It's a lot (for both of us) to deal with. I, on the other hand, rarely have anyone mention Brian to me. Do I still think about him occasionally? Of course! But I don't have people constantly bringing him up to me either. I know that Ben tries hard to consider my feelings and reassure me that I'm the one he thinks about now, etc. It's just hard when I see his 9 yr. old, Taylor, crying b/c she misses her Mom and she wants him to take her to the cemetary and I know that has to bring up some sense of sadness or memories for him. Sometimes I feel like I can't win. The other side to all of this is that I know my self esteem issues don't help. That also makes the doubt creep in. Again, he tries hard to reassure me when he knows how I'm feeling, but I also know if he really missed her, he's not exactly going to come out and tell me that! lol. It's just a very hard situation. Did I mention I'm also 7 months pregnant and getting bigger by the day and that doesn't help my sense of security either! :) So, yeah....I could use your prayers on all of that.
Other than my sanity being in question, things have been fairly normal lately.....well, other than someone always being sick! Cassi had strep last week, Jack had tubes put in last Monday, Ben and I have both not felt 100% lately, so yes, it has been difficult! We've determined if all 7 of us are healthy at the same time, then hell must have frozen over! Jack's tubes went well. Brian's parents came (at their insistence) and things were fine between them and Ben. Very pleasant....Jack did great and was acting like normal that night. I also met with Abby's counselor last Monday night and she said she thought Abby was very well-adjusted for all she's been through in the last year and really didn't feel the need to see her anymore, unless something came up. That was a relief!
Looks like we're having this baby June 15. Yay! :) Oh, and we settled on the name: Aiden Thomas Huey. We both liked the name "Aiden" and then for those of you that don't know, my maiden name is "Thomas", so it worked out quite nice! I'd say out of all 3 of my kids, I'm the "most ready" for this one. Let's get this show on the road! lol. I'm also ready to get back to normal....whatever that means!
Well, that's about it for now. As you can see, you haven't missed a whole lot in the last 2 weeks. Tessa, hope you're enjoying your "crotch rocket", Kelley, kudos to you for wearing a skirt this week, and Missy, hope you're enjoying your spring break! To the rest of you, update your blogs for crying out loud!!!! :) xoxo to all!
Other than my sanity being in question, things have been fairly normal lately.....well, other than someone always being sick! Cassi had strep last week, Jack had tubes put in last Monday, Ben and I have both not felt 100% lately, so yes, it has been difficult! We've determined if all 7 of us are healthy at the same time, then hell must have frozen over! Jack's tubes went well. Brian's parents came (at their insistence) and things were fine between them and Ben. Very pleasant....Jack did great and was acting like normal that night. I also met with Abby's counselor last Monday night and she said she thought Abby was very well-adjusted for all she's been through in the last year and really didn't feel the need to see her anymore, unless something came up. That was a relief!
Looks like we're having this baby June 15. Yay! :) Oh, and we settled on the name: Aiden Thomas Huey. We both liked the name "Aiden" and then for those of you that don't know, my maiden name is "Thomas", so it worked out quite nice! I'd say out of all 3 of my kids, I'm the "most ready" for this one. Let's get this show on the road! lol. I'm also ready to get back to normal....whatever that means!
Well, that's about it for now. As you can see, you haven't missed a whole lot in the last 2 weeks. Tessa, hope you're enjoying your "crotch rocket", Kelley, kudos to you for wearing a skirt this week, and Missy, hope you're enjoying your spring break! To the rest of you, update your blogs for crying out loud!!!! :) xoxo to all!
Monday, March 15, 2010
Cheesecake tears...
Catchy title today, eh? I'll explain that in a minute.....
Friday night, the twins went to a "slumber party" at Apex, so we dropped them off and then I decided we should do something fun for the other 2 girls, so we decided to go out to dinner. (that was our first mistake.) Our second mistake came when we opted for a restaurant instead of McD's or something, having Jack with us. We ended up at Friday's. During the wait for our table, Jack was not interested in quietly sitting on my lap. Nor was he interested in patiently standing next to me. This led to a lot of whining and arching his back, so I finally got up and walked with him outside. Now, I should say that Ben had already admitted in the car to being in a bad mood....but he didn't know why, so that wasn't helping either. We finally get seated and we're both irritated. Him in his mood and me with Jack. It was not an enjoyable dinner, to say the least, but I did find some comfort in the fact that I had ordered the 3-course meal where you get the appetizer/meal/dessert deal. So, after a long, excruciating meal, we're finally ready to leave. I'd asked the waitress to please box my chocolate/peanut butter pie and I'd eat it at home. Now, Ben is now in a better mood, but mine sucks b/c he's brought me down with his original mood and Jack's antics are grating on my last nerve! So, we leave and it's pouring down rain. He goes to get the van and I traipse out with the kids and toss them in the van (not really) and off we go. We get halfway home and I turned to him and said, "Did you grab the bag of leftovers/my dessert?" and his response was "No." I'm seriously holding back tears. That was just the last straw for me. We're driving home and I'm trying sooooo hard not to cry over dessert. Sigh......Life does go on....I guess.
So, weekends pretty much suck right now. With Ben's paper route, Saturdays are shot. I take Abby to ballet in the mornings and then he usually has to go to the plant in the afternoon to do all the "pre-stuffing" of papers for that night. Sundays are our only source of real time together. This led to "near tears" moment #2 for the weekend. I feel like Ben's always running off somewhere....whether it's to get gas for his car, cigarettes (he's trying to quit) or running to his Mom's for something. He's very close to his stepdad. It's much more of a friendship than it is a father/son relationship, seeing as how Ben has a dad. So, when his stepdad called yesterday and wanted him to "come over and play" I was instantly on high alert. I resent this big time! We hardly get time together and when we do, there are 5 billion kids around! So, he at first says he's not going and then after a bit it was "Well......I do need to borrow Craig's ladder and drop off some stuff he can burn in the fire pit, etc." Yeah, yeah......his biggest reasoning being that he needed the ladder to clean out the outdoor dryer vent, which was clogged and could lead to a fire hazard, etc. So, off he goes and doesn't return for 2 1/2 hours. I'm feeling quite irritated that he can't seem to do this stuff during the week. Everyday but Tuesday, he is alone from 8-4. Why is it when I'm home that he needs to get this stuff done???? Long story short, I expressed this to him last night. I fought back the tears and he admitted I was right and Sundays would be for us from now on. God love him! I hope he sticks to that!
That's pretty much the extent of my weekend. I did have lunch with Paige on Saturday after Abby's class. I hadn't seen her in awhile since our plans for my birthday weekend fell through, thanks to my bedrest!
Abby has counseling again tonight. Thinking I'll take her to McD's on the way. Just Mommy and her. I felt so bad last week when Ben was getting her ready for me to pick her up after work, he just told her she was going somewhere with me and she assumed it was the park or something. Broke my heart at how sad she was. lol. So, I thought I'd try and make our "outing" a bit more fun this time!
Looking forward to the warmer weather again at the end of the week! Yay! :)
Friday night, the twins went to a "slumber party" at Apex, so we dropped them off and then I decided we should do something fun for the other 2 girls, so we decided to go out to dinner. (that was our first mistake.) Our second mistake came when we opted for a restaurant instead of McD's or something, having Jack with us. We ended up at Friday's. During the wait for our table, Jack was not interested in quietly sitting on my lap. Nor was he interested in patiently standing next to me. This led to a lot of whining and arching his back, so I finally got up and walked with him outside. Now, I should say that Ben had already admitted in the car to being in a bad mood....but he didn't know why, so that wasn't helping either. We finally get seated and we're both irritated. Him in his mood and me with Jack. It was not an enjoyable dinner, to say the least, but I did find some comfort in the fact that I had ordered the 3-course meal where you get the appetizer/meal/dessert deal. So, after a long, excruciating meal, we're finally ready to leave. I'd asked the waitress to please box my chocolate/peanut butter pie and I'd eat it at home. Now, Ben is now in a better mood, but mine sucks b/c he's brought me down with his original mood and Jack's antics are grating on my last nerve! So, we leave and it's pouring down rain. He goes to get the van and I traipse out with the kids and toss them in the van (not really) and off we go. We get halfway home and I turned to him and said, "Did you grab the bag of leftovers/my dessert?" and his response was "No." I'm seriously holding back tears. That was just the last straw for me. We're driving home and I'm trying sooooo hard not to cry over dessert. Sigh......Life does go on....I guess.
So, weekends pretty much suck right now. With Ben's paper route, Saturdays are shot. I take Abby to ballet in the mornings and then he usually has to go to the plant in the afternoon to do all the "pre-stuffing" of papers for that night. Sundays are our only source of real time together. This led to "near tears" moment #2 for the weekend. I feel like Ben's always running off somewhere....whether it's to get gas for his car, cigarettes (he's trying to quit) or running to his Mom's for something. He's very close to his stepdad. It's much more of a friendship than it is a father/son relationship, seeing as how Ben has a dad. So, when his stepdad called yesterday and wanted him to "come over and play" I was instantly on high alert. I resent this big time! We hardly get time together and when we do, there are 5 billion kids around! So, he at first says he's not going and then after a bit it was "Well......I do need to borrow Craig's ladder and drop off some stuff he can burn in the fire pit, etc." Yeah, yeah......his biggest reasoning being that he needed the ladder to clean out the outdoor dryer vent, which was clogged and could lead to a fire hazard, etc. So, off he goes and doesn't return for 2 1/2 hours. I'm feeling quite irritated that he can't seem to do this stuff during the week. Everyday but Tuesday, he is alone from 8-4. Why is it when I'm home that he needs to get this stuff done???? Long story short, I expressed this to him last night. I fought back the tears and he admitted I was right and Sundays would be for us from now on. God love him! I hope he sticks to that!
That's pretty much the extent of my weekend. I did have lunch with Paige on Saturday after Abby's class. I hadn't seen her in awhile since our plans for my birthday weekend fell through, thanks to my bedrest!
Abby has counseling again tonight. Thinking I'll take her to McD's on the way. Just Mommy and her. I felt so bad last week when Ben was getting her ready for me to pick her up after work, he just told her she was going somewhere with me and she assumed it was the park or something. Broke my heart at how sad she was. lol. So, I thought I'd try and make our "outing" a bit more fun this time!
Looking forward to the warmer weather again at the end of the week! Yay! :)
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Feeling pregnant
I'm currently 25 weeks pregnant and feeling every bit of it! I would have thought the 3rd one would be easier (Missy? Kelley?) but this one's been the hardest. Granted, I have more kids now, a bigger house, etc. My doc says it's just harder on my body at this point. I believe it!!!! Funny thing is that so far I think I've gained the least amount of weight with this one. I attribute it to the fact that Ben's house has stairs, which my previous house did not. Also, Ben rarely eats (that bugs me) so there are times I might refrain from that second helping simply to avoid feeling like a cow around him. Not a bad diet though....ha! (no worries....baby still gets enough!)
Let's see.....Ben's birthday was Monday. I took the day off to spend with him and boy was it a great day! The weather was gorgeous and I got to be with my favorite person all day! :) We went to breakfast, walked around the Greene, drove out to Caesar's Creek (only to turn right around since it was closed) and then went back to the Greene for dinner......just us. NO KIDS!!!! Woohoo! It was great! I got him a Nascar "ride-a-long" experience at the track in Indy. He was thrilled, which made me excited. I love giving gifts that I know the person will really like! :)
Abby started her counseling last night. Her counselor basically said she'd meet with Abby twice alone and then meet with me to discuss her findings. All I know is that Abby colored and got to play with some toys. Glad I'm paying $20/hour for this! lol. kidding! I truly hope she can bring to light some things Abby's thinking about or dealing with and help me help her more!
My "issues" are still very much on the table, but I think I get a tiny bit better each day. I'm trying to be a little more trusting with Ben about my body. I keep telling myself if I can achieve my goal of being completely comfortable in front of him while being pregnant, then after the baby comes and I lose the weight (and hopefully more!) then that will be a piece of cake!!!!!
Some exciting news for us! Having 1001 kids is paying off, at least for taxes! lol. We're getting a lot more back than we expected, so after paying off a couple of bills, we definitely plan to set aside some for our honeymoon we never got to take!!!! The movie "Couples Retreat" inspired us and we'd definitely like to go somewhere like Cancun, Cabo, etc. I want clear, blue water! Yay! Hopefully by the end of this year or beginning of next, we can work it out to get away!!!!
Well, I've managed to kill a little bit of time at work. Sitting here and staring at the gorgeous weather is torture, but at least I'll be out in it in 2 hours! Happy Hump Day!
Let's see.....Ben's birthday was Monday. I took the day off to spend with him and boy was it a great day! The weather was gorgeous and I got to be with my favorite person all day! :) We went to breakfast, walked around the Greene, drove out to Caesar's Creek (only to turn right around since it was closed) and then went back to the Greene for dinner......just us. NO KIDS!!!! Woohoo! It was great! I got him a Nascar "ride-a-long" experience at the track in Indy. He was thrilled, which made me excited. I love giving gifts that I know the person will really like! :)
Abby started her counseling last night. Her counselor basically said she'd meet with Abby twice alone and then meet with me to discuss her findings. All I know is that Abby colored and got to play with some toys. Glad I'm paying $20/hour for this! lol. kidding! I truly hope she can bring to light some things Abby's thinking about or dealing with and help me help her more!
My "issues" are still very much on the table, but I think I get a tiny bit better each day. I'm trying to be a little more trusting with Ben about my body. I keep telling myself if I can achieve my goal of being completely comfortable in front of him while being pregnant, then after the baby comes and I lose the weight (and hopefully more!) then that will be a piece of cake!!!!!
Some exciting news for us! Having 1001 kids is paying off, at least for taxes! lol. We're getting a lot more back than we expected, so after paying off a couple of bills, we definitely plan to set aside some for our honeymoon we never got to take!!!! The movie "Couples Retreat" inspired us and we'd definitely like to go somewhere like Cancun, Cabo, etc. I want clear, blue water! Yay! Hopefully by the end of this year or beginning of next, we can work it out to get away!!!!
Well, I've managed to kill a little bit of time at work. Sitting here and staring at the gorgeous weather is torture, but at least I'll be out in it in 2 hours! Happy Hump Day!
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Shrek feet making a comeback?
Well, the cold is finally leaving me. I now have the lingering annoying cough! Fun! Ben's had it too and Jack and Abby pretty much started it, so we're a sharing family! Our weekend was blah. Friday night we intended on going out on a date (+ Jack). Ben's grandparents were keeping the girls overnight, so that just left us with Jack. Well, after dropping the girls off, we're in the car discussing what we're doing/where we're going and Jack starts screaming his head off. He's not a fussy child by nature, so I know something's wrong. We end up just going home because it was obvious he wasn't feeling well. So, we get home and he's clinging to me and flipping his head back and forth, trying to get comfortable. We were sure it was an ear infection again. I ended up getting Similasan drops and within 10 minutes of those going in his ear, he was a happy boy again! He went to bed and slept through the night and just acted like himself the rest of the weekend!
Saturday, I felt like crap. The cold kicked in full force and left me with no energy or the ability to breathe. Saturday night was much worse. The girls came home and Taylor was very sick. Vomiting, diarrhea, fever, etc. Well, Ben had to go into work at 12:30am, so I ended up being up with Taylor almost every hour that night. Poor thing was miserable. She woke up the next morning feeling fine. Go figure! Another thing we discovered Saturday night was that while at Ben's GP's, Abby got ahold of some scissors and cut a chunk off her hair, so on Sunday we headed to Ben's Mom's to get that faux paux repaired! Thank goodness she used to do hair!!!
Monday, I met with Abby's new psycho doctor. I gave her all the background on what's happened in the last year and Abby's current behavior, including the stealing. At first guess, she said the stealing was probably associated with her feelings of loss.....her Daddy, her house, etc. Lots of changes for a 4 yr. old in the last year. So, anyway, I'll take Abby to meet with her next Tuesday. After I came out of that meeting, I had 3 missed calls from my Dad. Jack woke up from his nap screaming again, so I called the doc. Got him in and as suspected, he has an ear infection. Got the antibiotics for that and he also has an appt. with an ENT doc next Thursday, so hopefully they'll do tubes so the poor kid can stop having these infections!!!!!
Thanks for all of your encouraging words with the self esteem issues. I've made some progress, even in the last week, but as my psycho doc said, my scars run deep and it will just take some time for those to heal. I have a wonderful husband who loves me and who I love more than I ever thought possible, so I'm very blessed! I'm also thankful for how patient he is with all of this.....granted, he has his moments where I know he'd like to personally "thank" Brian for causing some issues, but all in all, he's just there for me. You know, Missy, so many times I remember you blogging about how much Scott does around the house and for you, etc. and part of me was always envious of that. Well, now I have that same kind of husband who does all the laundry and cleans and takes care of us. I can appreciate Ben so much more because I know what a rarity that is in many husbands! Anyway, I digress....
Love to all!
Saturday, I felt like crap. The cold kicked in full force and left me with no energy or the ability to breathe. Saturday night was much worse. The girls came home and Taylor was very sick. Vomiting, diarrhea, fever, etc. Well, Ben had to go into work at 12:30am, so I ended up being up with Taylor almost every hour that night. Poor thing was miserable. She woke up the next morning feeling fine. Go figure! Another thing we discovered Saturday night was that while at Ben's GP's, Abby got ahold of some scissors and cut a chunk off her hair, so on Sunday we headed to Ben's Mom's to get that faux paux repaired! Thank goodness she used to do hair!!!
Monday, I met with Abby's new psycho doctor. I gave her all the background on what's happened in the last year and Abby's current behavior, including the stealing. At first guess, she said the stealing was probably associated with her feelings of loss.....her Daddy, her house, etc. Lots of changes for a 4 yr. old in the last year. So, anyway, I'll take Abby to meet with her next Tuesday. After I came out of that meeting, I had 3 missed calls from my Dad. Jack woke up from his nap screaming again, so I called the doc. Got him in and as suspected, he has an ear infection. Got the antibiotics for that and he also has an appt. with an ENT doc next Thursday, so hopefully they'll do tubes so the poor kid can stop having these infections!!!!!
Thanks for all of your encouraging words with the self esteem issues. I've made some progress, even in the last week, but as my psycho doc said, my scars run deep and it will just take some time for those to heal. I have a wonderful husband who loves me and who I love more than I ever thought possible, so I'm very blessed! I'm also thankful for how patient he is with all of this.....granted, he has his moments where I know he'd like to personally "thank" Brian for causing some issues, but all in all, he's just there for me. You know, Missy, so many times I remember you blogging about how much Scott does around the house and for you, etc. and part of me was always envious of that. Well, now I have that same kind of husband who does all the laundry and cleans and takes care of us. I can appreciate Ben so much more because I know what a rarity that is in many husbands! Anyway, I digress....
Love to all!
Friday, February 26, 2010
Ugh!
I've got a yucky cold....hence my title today. The only thing worse than having a cold....is having one while you're prego! No Nyquil, no Vicks nose spray, etc. Boo! I did, however, get my Vicks tissues at lunch. Love those when I've got sinus crud going on!!!!! Is it bad that I just hold one to my nose and inhale deeply????
Anyway, Ben started his new job last Sunday night (technically Monday morning). It's been a rough week of adjusting for both of us. Him for the lack of sleep and me for the lack of sleep! lol. I wake up when his alarm goes off and then usually wake up when he gets home too. He's offered to sleep on the couch, but it's not worth it to me!
It's also been a very rough week emotionally for me. You all know that Brian and I had a lot of issues, which I used to blog about as well. Well, now that he's gone and now being married to Ben, many things are coming to light. I have a lot of baggage from my first marriage and according to my psycho doctor, several scars as well. The biggest one plaguing me now is my self esteem....mostly physical. It's consuming me. Being pregnant obviously doesn't help, as my body is getting bigger and I can't stop it. When Ben and I first got together, I thought it was just being with someone skinny since Brian was always a big guy. But then I felt like there had to be more and the deeper I fell for Ben, the worse it got.....from being jealous of his first wife to celebrities he thought were attractive, to just the unknown. Little things have come up now and then which just feed my self esteem issue. I discussed this at length with my psycho doctor yesterday. (If you remember, he met with BOTH Brian and I before he passed away, so I have the benefit of him knowing Brian, so it's not like me talking about him and it being one-sided) Anyway, basically Brian "cheated" on me during our marriage.....not physically, but he had a relationship of sorts with a girl who lived several states away. I suspected it while we were married, even though he always denied it, but I knew better. I found the actual evidence after he'd passed away. I only bring this up b/c it's just one of the many things that caused me to feel rejected, thus being deathly afraid it's going to happen again with Ben. There's so much more I could go into, but it's quite lengthy. Basically, between that and a few other things that translated into rejection, I have some major issues. I have a HUGE issue being naked in front of Ben.....yes, despite the fact that we're married and having a baby together. I will say the good thing here is that Ben is aware of all of this and I give him updates after my psycho sessions, so we communicate very well. So, in saying all of that, I need your prayers big time! We're trying to work through my issues and peel away the layers of hurt, according to my psycho doctor, b/c I definitely don't want this affecting my marriage to Ben anymore than it already has. Ben assures me every day how much he loves me and finds me attractive, but it just isn't quite solving my problem. So, I need your prayers! I need to let go of all these fears that he'll turn on me like Brian did and be able to be comfortable with myself, no matter what my size is.
Sheesh.....I felt like I just wrote a novel. So, thanks in advance for the prayers! Until next time...
Anyway, Ben started his new job last Sunday night (technically Monday morning). It's been a rough week of adjusting for both of us. Him for the lack of sleep and me for the lack of sleep! lol. I wake up when his alarm goes off and then usually wake up when he gets home too. He's offered to sleep on the couch, but it's not worth it to me!
It's also been a very rough week emotionally for me. You all know that Brian and I had a lot of issues, which I used to blog about as well. Well, now that he's gone and now being married to Ben, many things are coming to light. I have a lot of baggage from my first marriage and according to my psycho doctor, several scars as well. The biggest one plaguing me now is my self esteem....mostly physical. It's consuming me. Being pregnant obviously doesn't help, as my body is getting bigger and I can't stop it. When Ben and I first got together, I thought it was just being with someone skinny since Brian was always a big guy. But then I felt like there had to be more and the deeper I fell for Ben, the worse it got.....from being jealous of his first wife to celebrities he thought were attractive, to just the unknown. Little things have come up now and then which just feed my self esteem issue. I discussed this at length with my psycho doctor yesterday. (If you remember, he met with BOTH Brian and I before he passed away, so I have the benefit of him knowing Brian, so it's not like me talking about him and it being one-sided) Anyway, basically Brian "cheated" on me during our marriage.....not physically, but he had a relationship of sorts with a girl who lived several states away. I suspected it while we were married, even though he always denied it, but I knew better. I found the actual evidence after he'd passed away. I only bring this up b/c it's just one of the many things that caused me to feel rejected, thus being deathly afraid it's going to happen again with Ben. There's so much more I could go into, but it's quite lengthy. Basically, between that and a few other things that translated into rejection, I have some major issues. I have a HUGE issue being naked in front of Ben.....yes, despite the fact that we're married and having a baby together. I will say the good thing here is that Ben is aware of all of this and I give him updates after my psycho sessions, so we communicate very well. So, in saying all of that, I need your prayers big time! We're trying to work through my issues and peel away the layers of hurt, according to my psycho doctor, b/c I definitely don't want this affecting my marriage to Ben anymore than it already has. Ben assures me every day how much he loves me and finds me attractive, but it just isn't quite solving my problem. So, I need your prayers! I need to let go of all these fears that he'll turn on me like Brian did and be able to be comfortable with myself, no matter what my size is.
Sheesh.....I felt like I just wrote a novel. So, thanks in advance for the prayers! Until next time...
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