Ugh!

I've got a yucky cold....hence my title today. The only thing worse than having a cold....is having one while you're prego! No Nyquil, no Vicks nose spray, etc. Boo! I did, however, get my Vicks tissues at lunch. Love those when I've got sinus crud going on!!!!! Is it bad that I just hold one to my nose and inhale deeply????

Anyway, Ben started his new job last Sunday night (technically Monday morning). It's been a rough week of adjusting for both of us. Him for the lack of sleep and me for the lack of sleep! lol. I wake up when his alarm goes off and then usually wake up when he gets home too. He's offered to sleep on the couch, but it's not worth it to me!

It's also been a very rough week emotionally for me. You all know that Brian and I had a lot of issues, which I used to blog about as well. Well, now that he's gone and now being married to Ben, many things are coming to light. I have a lot of baggage from my first marriage and according to my psycho doctor, several scars as well. The biggest one plaguing me now is my self esteem....mostly physical. It's consuming me. Being pregnant obviously doesn't help, as my body is getting bigger and I can't stop it. When Ben and I first got together, I thought it was just being with someone skinny since Brian was always a big guy. But then I felt like there had to be more and the deeper I fell for Ben, the worse it got.....from being jealous of his first wife to celebrities he thought were attractive, to just the unknown. Little things have come up now and then which just feed my self esteem issue. I discussed this at length with my psycho doctor yesterday. (If you remember, he met with BOTH Brian and I before he passed away, so I have the benefit of him knowing Brian, so it's not like me talking about him and it being one-sided) Anyway, basically Brian "cheated" on me during our marriage.....not physically, but he had a relationship of sorts with a girl who lived several states away. I suspected it while we were married, even though he always denied it, but I knew better. I found the actual evidence after he'd passed away. I only bring this up b/c it's just one of the many things that caused me to feel rejected, thus being deathly afraid it's going to happen again with Ben. There's so much more I could go into, but it's quite lengthy. Basically, between that and a few other things that translated into rejection, I have some major issues. I have a HUGE issue being naked in front of Ben.....yes, despite the fact that we're married and having a baby together. I will say the good thing here is that Ben is aware of all of this and I give him updates after my psycho sessions, so we communicate very well. So, in saying all of that, I need your prayers big time! We're trying to work through my issues and peel away the layers of hurt, according to my psycho doctor, b/c I definitely don't want this affecting my marriage to Ben anymore than it already has. Ben assures me every day how much he loves me and finds me attractive, but it just isn't quite solving my problem. So, I need your prayers! I need to let go of all these fears that he'll turn on me like Brian did and be able to be comfortable with myself, no matter what my size is.

Sheesh.....I felt like I just wrote a novel. So, thanks in advance for the prayers! Until next time...